Most readers of these pages know that Barack Obama addressed Congressional Democrats on Saturday. What is less well known is the content of the original version of the speech, as written by Barack Obama himself before his speechwriters altered it to what you heard on television.  Here, for the first time for anybody to see, is the original version of Obama’s speech:

Welcome and thank you so much to all my lemmings…I mean my fellow Democrats.  We are a day away from possibly enacting truly historic health care reform legislation.

Never in the history of our nation has such sweeping legislation been passed with single-party support and bipartisan opposition.

Never in the history of our nation has a political party been able to so skillfully manipulate the CBO’s fiscal impact scoring process, meaning that never in the history of our nation has a piece of legislation been given such an undeserved varnish of fiscal responsibility.

Never in the history of our nation have the leaders of a party had to stoop to so many bribes and threats to try to pass a single law.  If  you don’t like the Cornhusker Kickback, how about the exemption for North Dakota from the government takeover of the student loan business which we snuck into the House’s reconciliation package? By the way, props to Nancy Pelosi for that fantastically devious move.

And never in the history of our nation has one president been so dutifully served by a Speaker of the House and Majority Leader of the Senate who have seemed so willing to sacrifice their leadership positions or even their seats in Congress, along with sacrificing the political careers of dozens of Democrats, all for the sake of the legacy of l’il ol’ me.

Seriously, though.  While I want to thank members from Berkeley, Boulder, Manhattan, Chicago, and other districts where liberals could elect a ham sandwich, my deepest gratitude goes to members of the so-called “Blue Dog Coalition” like Allen Boyd of Florida and Betsey Markey of Colorado who have switched from “No” to “Yes", probably costing them their careers in federal politics.  And Bart Gordon from Tennessee who is retiring because he realized sooner than most of you that he’d lose in November because of your devotion to Me.  Bart, I know I promised you the top job at NASA for your vote on this even though your own state’s Democratic governor asked you to vote against it, but it looks like Tom Coburn found us out, so I wish you luck on your upcoming years in the private sector. Maybe you and Harry Reid can start a business together.

What a brilliant scheme the “Blue Dog Coalition” was! The idea that Democrats would vote against big government when the vote really mattered!  It was all I could do not to laugh out loud in public every time I heard the idea.  The media believed you, the public believed you, even the Republicans believed you!  I suppose it’s not that big a surprise since the media and public believed me when I ran for president as a moderate. But I knew you lap dogs – I mean Blue Dogs – would come through for me.  I knew that being a Democrat means never having to say you’re sorry for supporting spending increases, tax hikes, and your president.  What a coincidence that the historic first black president is responsible for all the historic firsts about this legislation!  And I couldn’t do it without all of you and your remarkable agreeability to commit political suicide for me.

Also a special shout-out to Bark Stupak.  You’re pretense of opposing the bill because of being pro-life was brilliant.  And you’re absolutely right to bet that your constituents won’t know that any Executive Order I promise you will be overruled by existing law, a court challenge, or both.  Really clever stuff, Bart!  You made yourself look good and me look moderate at the same time, something many people would have thought impossible.  I’m sure glad you forgot my record on abortion in Illinois.

To my Republican friend Paul Ryan, whom I have full confidence will be the Chairman of the Budget Committee next year after the voters tell us what they think of our so-called “reforms” to the health care system:  You may see a new line item in the budget for plastic surgery and I wanted to explain it now so you don’t have to ask me later.  It seemed that every time I gave a speech about health care, my nose grew about 1/4 of an inch.  My personal doctor who would have fixed it up for free for me has quit medicine (he says it’s because our plan will kill his practice, but he’s always been a big kidder). So I had to go to an expensive clinic in Los Angeles…actually the same people who did Michael Jackson’s nose.  It wasn’t cheap but we can’t have a president looking like Pinocchio, can we?  I hope you don’t mind.  If you guys would have just gone along with me, I wouldn’t have had to give all those speeches and run up all those plastic surgery bills so you really have yourself to blame.   Anyway, what’s a a few hundred thousand bucks in the context of trillion dollar deficits?

So comrades, thank you again for your cult-like devotion to me and your Jonestown-like willingness to drink the Obamacare Kool-Aid, with similar effects on your electability in November.  It means so much to me to have friends and colleagues willing to sacrifice so much – it takes a special kind of person to so courageously ignore the wishes of his or her constituents – in order to save my presidency and my legacy as the next FDR.

And now, on to Amnesty and Cap & Trade!